


If I Could Turn Back Time

by deathmarkedlove_archivist



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-29
Updated: 2007-01-29
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:06:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathmarkedlove_archivist/pseuds/deathmarkedlove_archivist
Summary: Spike thinks about everything he has lost after the battle with Glory. G





	If I Could Turn Back Time

**Author's Note:**

> Summary: Spike thinks about everything he has lost after the battle with Glory.
> 
> Buffy, Glory, and Ben are dead. Three days after the Gift.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own none of these characters except the one unnamed girl.  
> I don’t own any references or past episodes of this. I only own the  
> the story line.
> 
> Dedication: To all those we have lost. And for my Grandfather, who encouraged me to write.
> 
> Feedback: Of course, please I’m addicted to people’s opinions.

It had only been three days. Not even a week but the young man who stood at her grave didn’t care. All he knew was the grief that was tearing him apart inside. He knew the rest of her friends felt it too. But like in all grief, he felt alone, separate.

All who knew Buffy had come to mourn her death; her lover that had left to give her a normal life, the boyfriend who had left because she didn’t love him enough. The Watcher who had devoted his life to her, her friends who had cared for her and loved her, the sister who she had died to save. Funny how life is.

He kept his promise to her, to protect her little sister. He would keep it for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if he could have saved her, his Buffy. He thought about all the things he now would have liked to have done differently. He regretted comments and actions that had hurt her.

Buffy had been starting to trust him again. She had let him back into her home. Those three little words, ‘Spike come in’, had never had so much trust in them. They had had a possible alliance formed from a budding friendship. He remembered the comments she and he had made to each other. The jabs at their hearts that their sarcasm and pride had made. Him attacking her choice in boyfriends, her hurting him with comments about how he couldn’t possibly be in love with her. Beneath her, she had said, but it had been changing up to lately.

But he did, he loved her more than his life. He probably had never loved so greatly before this. But you never know these things until they are gone.

God he regretted all the things he neglected to tell her about himself, though she probably wouldn’t have cared or believed him. All the things he didn’t know about her. What her life had been like before she had known she was the slayer…what had happened before he had come into the picture. Where this little hellion had come from. The one he would never talk to again.

With tears streaming down his face he continued to think. Death never releases her harsh grip though. No matter how hard we try, we can never make the pain stop. Not when it is someone who is apart of our lives, whom we love. Even though all they bring us is pain and grief, it is better than nothing at all. We never realize… William thought to himself sadly. ‘I never will get the chance to say all the things I long to say to her; Not even after I leave this plane of existence. I will be in hell, and she, she is in heaven. Maybe just maybe my soul will be able to tell her for me. Maybe if I sit here long enough, she’ll be able to hear me. That I have never heard such sweet words as “come in Spike” in my entire existence. Maybe, maybe she will see how much I love her. Maybe she saw how much I have wept for her, and still weep for her. Not just this outward appearance called Spike, the tough rocker vampire, who killed two slayers. But also the sentimental mortal man called William. All of me loved, loves her, I probably loved her since I first laid eyes on her. I always liked the way she didn’t play by the rules, just like me. I hope she will know these things.

I would tell her that it wasn’t a good day, that it was a day in hell. That is what the day she died was hell, it wasn’t the good day I once promised it to be. I wish, I wish I hadn’t said those words, ‘Oh good God, Joyce watch over her, please? For me? I messed this all up so badly. And tell her that I love her and if I could I would have gone anything to save her. I would have sucked enough blood to use against that portal, even though I probably would have died from the pain in my head. It would have been worth it though. Tell her I will protect Dawn. That I will until the day when I am nothing more than dust in the wind.

As he got up to leave, he took one last look at the stone. That hard bleak stone. He knew he could never keep that promise he had made to Drusillia so long ago, to dance on the slayer’s grave, because this woman was too good for him. Even in her grave. ‘God if I could turn back time to change this…’ “I will do what you asked luv.” Spike said with pain evident in his voice as he turned to leave. But before he walked away from that stone he bent down and kissed it. “ I love you Buffy.” Then William walked away; he would be back though, always for her. If only I could turn back time.

A girl watched him depart from the gravesite. She looked down at the stone in grief then back up at the man. She smiled softly as if she had heard his thoughts and commented unbeknownst to the man, “Don’t give up hope yet. I think time just heard you.”

 

The End


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